And now enter Evangeline Elizabeth...

So if you haven't noticed, I've taken a bit of a blogging hiatus.  There have been a few little interruptions at our house lately, and though they are caused by the tiniest of packages, it's amazing the waves of unpredictable and uncertain this little gift can create :-)

But right now, my precious little bundle is sleeping soundly and Mommy is finally prioritizing her poor, neglected little blog in order to officially introduce her to you.

As you know from my previous post, our dear Evangeline Elizabeth decided to delay her entrance into this world by almost a week (five days to be exact)!  Compared to her right-on-time older sister (I went into labor on my due date), we knew in utero that this one is not taking after her Type-A, perfectionist of a mother.  No, this one has inherited the chill, no-reason-to-hurry-unless-fleeing-from-a-disaster outlook of her Daddy.  And though her laid-back approach to entering this world nearly drove her mother to a state of psychosis, I could not be more grateful now that she is here, still chill, still calm, still the easiest, most laid-back baby of all time...well, at least compared to her high-maintenance, high-strung Drama Queen of an older sister (I wonder which parent she took after??).

I'm a time-line kind of person, so I think that's how I'll map out this particular birth story, for those who dare to tread through the nitty-gritty specifics as most women love to do...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

At my 40-week appointment the Friday before, they, out of pure protocol, put me "on the books" for an induction on my 41-week mark, which was Friday, October 5.  The OB assured me it wouldn't come to that, but it was office policy to not allow a woman to exceed 41 weeks.  He did agree, however, to "naturally induce" me, according to my wishes, by only breaking my bag of waters (as opposed to immediately administering Pitocin, a scenario I was trying to avoid).

I was devastated to be leaving my 40-week appointment still pregnant but shared my OB's confidence that she wouldn't actually continue to bake that long.  I mean, come on.  A week late??  This was my second child, and I wasn't late with my first, so that just can't happen, right?

Hah.

I woke up Wednesday morning with one thought in mind: Oh my word.  I might actually be facing an induction!  While I am certainly not against induction for medical reasons, I did not consider the purely arbitrary "you're 41 weeks" as an actual medical diagnosis.  I have had several friends who went 42 weeks in a perfectly healthy manner, with uncomplicated, natural deliveries.

And come on, I was walking around town almost 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced!  Shouldn't she be practically falling out by now??  I really felt like labor should be absolutely imminent, and, since my body had already proven it could go into labor on its own, I was really hesitant to mess with the natural process if it was not medically indicated.

Thankfully, another OB at the same practice agreed to squeeze me in on Wednesday afternoon for a "biophysical profile," which is where a technician examines the baby via ultrasound for six points of, shall we say, healthy occupancy.  Well, Evangeline passed all six points within ten minutes of the test's start (they allow for up to 30 minutes for a successful "pass").

I was thrilled.  My induction could be postponed, and I could continue on naturally...and then I had the actual consult with the OB.  She checked me and said, "Whoa!  Your bag of waters is really bulging!"  Translation for those who have never given birth: woman, your water is about to break!

Andrew and I had talked beforehand about the technique of "stripping membranes."  We were against it in my case unless my body had already naturally begun the labor process.  To us, now that I was a good 5 cm and my bag was bulging, we felt it was an okay time to strip my membranes to "encourage" the process along.

I was still uneasy about it, so I questioned the OB (who happens to be a D.O. and slow to administer interventions).  She quickly said, "This only works if your body is already ready for labor. It will not work if your body is not ready."  That sealed the deal for me.  I wasn't messing with the natural process.  Was I giving it a nudge? Yes.  But if nudging it naturally meant avoiding an unnatural induction, so be it!

And you must understand, my body had been in a state of pre-labor for three weeks now.  Every. single. day I was having regular, rhythmic, and often quite strong contractions.  Sometimes these episodes would last for hours, sometimes less.  If I didn't have a husband who can perform cervical checks, I would have been at the hospital numerous times, only to be sent home because of false labor!  My stomach literally ached from all these contractions.  So I knew my body was ready when my water finally began to bulge.

So Andrew and I spent Wednesday afternoon walking our tails off at a nearby park.  Lots of contractions, as usual, but nothing that intensified.

And no breaking of water.

I went to bed that night more than a little exasperated.  I seriously have membranes made of steel.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Woke up wet.  Just like with Esther. I knew I was leaking amniotic fluid, and my doctor-husband confirmed it.  But what to do?  No painful contractions, though plenty of the other, obnoxious kind.  We decided to wait it out and see if my water would fully break on its own.  We set a deadline for 5pm, and then I would go in (since it's considered an infection risk to the baby to leak amniotic fluid for more than 24 hrs.).

I walked.  Squatted.  Literally jumped up and down with my two-year-old to music.  I even did deep lunges around the perimeter of the playground while she played.  Thank God no one was taping this part of the saga!

Then Andrew texted.  He had heard word from my OB that he didn't like me walking around with a leak and wanted me to come in.  Instead of angering me, I felt relieved.  Almost 24 hours had passed since my membranes were stripped and still no water breakage--I had a feeling it just wasn't going to happen on its own.

So I went in around 3 pm and was shocked to learn I was already between 5 and 6 cm dilated!  They admitted me fully into the hospital by about 5pm, but I was still feeling good.  My OB wanted to give me time to continue on naturally (bless his heart), so I walked around, chatting it up with the nurses, the anxious grandparents waiting outside other hospital doors, and even had Esther with me the whole time as she toted her baby doll around proudly.  I couldn't believe I was in labor.  This was nothing.  Piece of cake.  Hah.

At 8 :15 I finally had to ask my OB to artifiically break my membranes.  It just wasn't happening and contractions weren't picking up on their own.  As with Esther, I just knew that my body was waiting for my water to break.  So he complied graciously, commenting on how thick my bag of waters was (like I didn't know that?!).

I'm not kidding you, it was ten minutes later when I felt like I had been hit by a freight train.  All those puny contractions I had been enduring for weeks suddenly stepped aside for the mammoth, this-is-going-to-kill-me kind to take over.  I was breathless at how intense my labor became in such a short amount of time.  Whoa!

I vaguely remember my OB coming in at some point to tell me that it was past the point for pain meds.  Almost every time they checked me, I had progressed a centimeter.  That's how intense the contractions were!  About five minutes after he left, I was sorely missing that pain med opportunity!  They really revved up and I got to that stage of labor where you are trying to convince all the people around you that no, you really can't do this, this baby will have to be pulled out!

Thank God for my coaching team.  I was surrounded by my sweet husband, amazing mother, and wonderful midwife friend, Lisa, who literally grabbed my face and said, "Jess, you can do this!  You are doing it!"  Lisa was so instrumental in those few moments, getting me to change positions severeal times, helping me know the kind of pressure I should be feeling before pushing, and in general encouraging me, along with my mother and husband.  I could not have done it without those three faithfully ministering to and encouraging me!  Oh, and Lisa's little baby, Naomi, quietly and contentedly slept in the background the WHOLE time--incredible!

Finally, the awful, intense urge to push came.  And what do they tell me to do?  NOT push.  Yeah, right.  As if I can possibly control the overwhelming tides of contractions, expelling my baby from my body.  It cracks me up they even bother telling women not to push.  First, we can't help it.  Second, at that point in labor, we're beyond courtesy and will not listen to you anyway.  And that's exactly what I did.  I shouted, "I have to push!  I'm pushing right now!"

And just four quick, though excruciating, pushes later, little Evangeline was born at 11:48 p.m., a mere 3 1/2 hours after my water broke.  I'll take that any day over my first 13 hour labor with two hours of pushing, thank you very much!  She was 8 lb. 4.9 oz. and 20.5 in long.  And complete with thick, auburn-colored hair!  I think we have a red head, y'all, and I'm not quite sure where it came from!

There is so much more I could say about this labor, about the spiritual lessons learned, the emotional toll it took, etc.  But I think we're all sensing this post is far too long as is and those lessons can be posted another day :-)

So there you have it.  The entrance, at long last, of Evangeline Elizabeth Becker.

Letter to My Little Girl

Now that I've officially blown right through my due date, I've finally decided to get out of the squatting position, quit choking on the raspberry leaf tea, and just chill out. 

Well, "chill" in the only way a neurotic, Type-A person knows how: clean, organize, and bake...and eat all that I bake as soon as I bake it.  Hey, I'm over 9 months now.  Who cares?

But the vacuuming is done, the freezer-cooking finished and neatly stacked in the freezer (I had to restrain my inner June Cleaver from stooping to a new level of pathetic by snapping a picture of it), coupons clipped and filed away, and kitchen cleaned.  Oh, and the laundry...yeah, that's still in the dryer.  Since a while ago.  But hey, four out of five isn't too bad, right?

And since it seems like 1) my bag of waters is intent on staying fully intact, and 2) little E is equally as intent staying in her nice little floating cocoon (and who can blame her when a shrieking, hyperactive two-year-old is the only sound-byte reference she has to the outside world??), I really must do something else other than sit on the couch fixating about my cervix...or worse--do another lunge.

No more!

The one thing I really want to do right now is talk to my little girl, this already stubborn child of mine, and request--BEG--that she finally come out and join the family.  And yes, because we are not the wide-eyed and naive first-time parents who picture a Hallmark-card homecoming and baby experience, we realize what we're asking: total nocturnal takeover, messy blow-outs, and endless swaddling, rocking, shushing, changing, washing, feeding, soothing, pleading for just a little. more. sleep.  But that's the ninth month for ya: you get this weird amnesia and forget all that because all you feel is discomfort, extreme abdominal pressure, and the absolute constant need to urinate.  Oh, and heartburn from you-know-where.  Speaking of, where's my TUMS?

But other than begging her to be done already, I started to think (because that's all this very-pregnant body can really do anymore) about other things I'd want to tell her, things I'd want her to know.  And since she's gifting me with all this unexpected extra time, I thought I'd go ahead and put pen to paper, so to speak.

So here it goes...

Dear Evangeline,

Your name means "good news."  And not just any good news.  The Good News.  Your name literally stands for the Gospel.  And not the act of sharing the Gospel either.  The Gospel itself.  The Great Reconciliation between a fallen, broken world and a pure, holy God.  What could be better news than that?

But this "good news" extends beyond just the literal meaning of your name.  You were my good news.  After months of agonizing, waiting, striving, crying, and negative after negative after negative, there you were, growing inside me.  Such good news.  At one moment I was sitting in a doctor's office crying and the next laughing out loud with joy!  You were God's good news, long-awaited, long-yearned-for, and finally granted in His good timing.

Sometimes, though, we lose focus of reality and get caught up in the shadow of our existence: the routine, stress, and pressure of life.  If I could just go back to the sterile doctor's office room and recapture the unadulterated wonder, unfettered by anxiety or irrational fear, the announcement of your little life brought to my heart, I would do it in a second.  I think we women are especially distractable, with so many hats to wear and our blasted multi-tasking minds that can actually think about a million things at once.

So when you face your own shadowy moments, where the temporal seems larger, more powerful, and more real than it really is, I want you to remember three things.  These things are the Good News amidst the hard of life; they are "imperishable," unaffected by time, pressure, or your own performance.  They just are.  They are truth.  I pray that, unlike your mother, you will cling to them more deeply, more obstinately than I ever did growing up.  I pray, as the Apostle Paul did in Ephesians, that you will KNOW that you are...

knit...

I pray that you can declare, along with David, that "You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:13-14).  Knit.  Woven.  Each and every stitch of DNA intentionally linked exactly as you are.  No mistakes.  Purpose behind every cell, every vessel, every line, form, color, height, and appearance of your body.  You are literally infused with creative significance.

In a world where little girls (and women are always little girls in their deepest parts) are so hyper-evaluated, critiqued, and pressured into ridiculous molds of perfection and popularity, I pray that you will cling to this truth.  You are knit, my child, by the very Fingers of God.  So stand strong always in the woman He artfully and wonderfully intentioned you to be.  Walk in the confidence that every part of your being has a Divine Purpose that He will gradually and exhiliratingly reveal to you along the course of your life.

known...

My child, there will come a day--many days--when you feel as if no one truly knows you, "gets" you.  Including me.  And you would be right.  Though I have carried you, felt your every little kick and hiccup, and will see to your every need as soon as you are born, I can never know you as He does.  Because you are knit, you are deeply known. 

"You have searched me and You know me...You are familiar with all my ways" (Psalm 139:1, 3).  This God who knit you, infusing you with purpose, does not leave you to live out this purpose as an orphan.  He knows you.  He is familiar with you.  Though friends may reject you, leave you out, misunderstand you, under-appreciate you, or even mock you, stand firm, "set your face like flint" with this incredible knowledge.  Such suffering is just a shadow of the Divine Reality of His personal knowledge of and care for you.
 
kept...

I love the Hebrew meaning for this.  Shamar.  It means to be guarded through observation and protection.  Are you seeing how these are all linked?  You are kept because you are known (observed); you are known because you are knit.  These very truths are a tapestry of His Making.  A tapestry you are meant to stand in awe of and, ultimately, rest in. 

You are kept.  "You hem me in behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me" (Psalm 139:5).  He is behind you and before you.  In every circumstance, no matter how hard, scary, challenging, or painful, His Presence is the background to all of it and the future hope for which you grasp.  So keep going.  Don't quit.  Just keep walking.  And trusting.  Step by step.  His Power and Presence will do the rest.

Do not walk as if you are abandoned to yourself or your circumstances.  You are always surrounded, always hemmed in, always within a breath of the Divine.  Don't walk as an orphan; dance like a child of the King.

So when that dreaded day comes, and come it will, when you look in the mirror and are tempted to question the Potter, to doubt your design, or bemuse your significance, I pray that these three truths will literally wash over your mind and heart, renewing, restoring, and reminding you that this world is just a shadow.  The real thing is yet to come.

And He is going to be totally worth it.

I love you little girl.  I can't wait to meet you.

Love,

Mommy

Friday's Frugal Find--Two Shopping Sprees!

I didn't expect to do much frugal-scoping this week since I was out of town until Thursday.  But when I got home and finally clipped my coupons, I realized that this is the GOLDEN WEEK at Kroger (or Dillons, it's affiliate)!  I wanted to post this as my Friday experiment in frugality so that those of you who live near a Kroger/Dillon's can capitalize on it before Sunday comes and the sales change again!

I made two different shopping trips to capitalize on the "Buy 10, Save $5" special they are running this week.  Now, the thrilling thing about the couponing world is that we can secretly snicker at the "Save $5" part, knowing full well that with our added coupons, which are DOUBLED up to $0.50, we are saving way more than a measly five dollars.  Give me a break.

I'm going to list out the two different deal scenarios I opted for, based upon my own pantry needs, but know that there are literally TONS of combinations you could make with the qualifying products and your own coupon collection.  May these scenarious merely motivate you to get to Kroger/Dillon's and scope out the HOT deals this week.

Be sure to keep reading for shopping trip #2--the one with the freebies and Specials!

Shopping Trip #1

4 boxes of Ronzoni High-Fiber Pasta

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $0.49 each
• Coupon: Didn't have any Ronzoni coupons, which would have made the deal even sweeter, but we needed more pasta so well under a $1.00 for such a great, healthy brand was worth it for us.
• Final Price: $0.49 each

4 boxes (6 bars each) of Nature Valley Protein and Fiber One Chewy Granola Bars

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.99 each
• Coupon: $0.50/1 from Sunday paper insert (doubled to $1.00 off)
• Final Price: $0.99 each

Smart Balance Spreadable Butter

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.99
• Coupon: $1.75/1 Facebook Promo
• Final Price: $0.24 each

Sliced American Cheese

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.29
• Coupon: Since it was Kroger brand, couldn't use a manufacturer's coupon, but we needed it and, again, a great "regular" price for this product.
• Final Price: $1.29 each

Once I had my 10 participating items, I also used coupons for products on sale apart from the Buy 10 special:

Land 'O Frost Deli Ham (1 lb.)

• Sale Price: $3.50 (2/$7)
• Coupon: $1/1 from Kroger Coupon Book mailed to me
• Final Price: $2.50 per pound

Oscar Meyer Lunchable

• Sale Price: 10/$10
• Coupon: $0.55/1 from Kroger Coupon Book
• Final Price: $0.45 each

GRAND SHOPPING TOTAL: $10.79

I didn't save a mere five dollars, as advertised--I saved a whopping $25.96 through the combined use of sales and coupons.  Take that, Kroger! :-)

But my next shopping trip excited me even more because I got high-dollar items for either FREE or almost-free, plus a slew of unexpected Manager's Specials, which, as you know, is kind of a high for me :-)

Shopping Trip #2

Oscar Meyer Select Hot Dogs (no artificial preservatives or fillers)

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.48 each
• Coupon: $1/1 Facebook promo
• Final Price: $0.48 each

2 Hefty One-Zip Storage and Freezer Bags

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $0.99 each
• Coupon: $0.55/1 digital coupon from kroger.com
• Final Price: I only had one coupon, so one box was $0.44 and the other $0.99

2 Kroger-brand Crunchy Peanut Butter

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.99 each
• Coupon: Unexpected Buy 10 item, so I had no coupon, though this is a GREAT price and is our favorite brand of PB...plus we're complete addicts.
• Final Price: $1.99 each

Cottonelle Bath Tissue (12 Double or 24 Regular Rolls)

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $5.99 each
• Coupon: $1/1 digital coupon from kroger.com
• Final Price: $4.99 each
• This is not a "steal" for toilet paper, but we were in need and it's definitely a "good" price for a great brand.  Definitely beats paying full price!

International Delight Coffee Creamer (the BIG bottle! Quart maybe?)

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $2.49 each
• Coupon: $1.50/1 Facebook promo
• Final Price: $0.99 each
• I realize these were FREE at Target this week if you stacked the MC with the Target SC, but my 7/29 Red Plum was flawed: it was missing all the inserts!  Ah!  So I couldn't snag the freebie since I didn't have the SC.  Major bummer.  But this helped to ease my woe a bit, and helped me reach the 10 item requirement for the great sale prices, so it was a win-win.

3 more boxes of Nature Valley and/or Fiber One Protein/Granola Bars

• Buy 10 Sale Price: $1.99 each
• Coupon: $0.50/1 (doubled to $1/1)
• Final Price: $0.99 each

Now I had my ten participating items and came away with MORE amazing finds through a freebie and unexpected Manager's Specials:

Oscar Meyer Selects Hot Dogs (these are the REALLY expensive but healthy kind--no nitrates or anything)

• Regular Price: $3.99 each
• Coupon: FREE Oscar Meyer Selects Hot Dogs or Deli Meats Facebook Promo
• Final Price: FREE!!

2 Kroger brand Half-and-Half (Pint size)

• Regular Price: $1.24 (about...my receipt didn't tell me exactly)
• Manager's Special: $0.89!
• Final Price: $0.89 each...so I snagged two and froze the other one :-)

Fresh Selections Caesar Salad Kit

• Regular Price: $2.49 each
• Manager's Special: $1.29 each
• Final Price: $1.29 each...but since it's lettuce and on-the-verge of wilting (hence Manager's Special) I just got one

Large Bag of Spinach Leaves

• Regular Price: close to $3.00 each
• Manager's Special: $1.29 each
• Final Price: $1.29 each (since the bag is HUGE and the spinach in its last days, I separated it out into smaller bags to keep it from spoiling prematurely)

Loaf of wheat bread (Kroger brand)

• On sale for $0.88 each!

Hot Dog Buns (for those FREE and almost-free hot dogs!!)

• On sale for $0.88 each!

PLUS--> From my first shopping trip, I received a $1.00 off my next purchase voucher because, well...they love me :-)  Hah!  I know, I know they just love my money...but still, it felt like a little hug from the establishment.

GRAND SHOPPING TOTAL: $22.88

This time I saved $26.30 and danced out of the store with my unexpectedly good finds.  So there's my recent high, which was made all the more sweet since it involved the use of sales, coupons, AND Manager's Specials!

So, go.  Have your own fun--and tell me about it!

**Up next week: Five Dollar Dates!


 

Sleeping Souls--How I Woke Up

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this.  Writing this is extremely humbling because it will give you a glimpse into my very critical, almost cruel, side.  I know we all have that part of our old nature that likes to creep up every now and then, that part we wish we weren't capable of anymore.  But man, God really nailed me on it this go-round, and I think writing it out will be the most helpful outlet for this particular Flesh lesson.

It's about worship.  And what's not worship.  And the fact that much of my worshiping over the years has probably been like cacophonous noise in the heavenlies.

Is worship important to the Christian life?  

I think any seasoned Christian would respond with that sort of knee-jerk, auto-pilot response of, "Oh yes, very important!"  Amazing how devoted we are as we wag our tongues but how complacent we get when it's time to lift our hands.

Sure, it's easy to "worship" God when the song is timely, the music energizing, or the message emotionally-charging.  But what kind of worshipers are we when

the music is outdated?

the instruments are out-of-tune?

the mood is flat and emotionless?

our personal devotions are empty or routine?

I'll be honest, here.  As a musical person, one that sings and plays an instrument, it is extremely difficult for me to overlook these variables in a time of worship.  I'm so devoted to God until the violin goes flat, or a song from the early 90s pops up on the screen, or, God forbid, we enter into yet another verse of that archaic hymn.  Without much thought, my mind slips into auto-pilot, my singing becomes rote, and I leave joyless, having totally missed an encounter with God.

And I blame the music leader.

Or the instrumentalists.  Or the style of the songs, the lack of a band, the off-balance sound levels, or the lackluster involvement of the congregants around me.

I enter into these inner accusations without thinking; they are complete and utter assumptions, and then I go on my way.

And do you know the real tragedy of all this?  Sure, it's horrific I would lay the responsibility for my personal worship experience at the feet of mere men.  It's abominable that I would be unable to overcome the inevitable flaws of live instrumentation, technology, and divergent musical preferences.  These things are horrible.  Disgusting.

But the real tragedy of all of this is that I leave church each Sunday not having encountered the Living God and being totally okay with that.

I blow through the exit doors as if nothing vital is missing in my life, as if the church experience really is boiled down to an order of service and social encounters.  Sure, I totally missed the Presence of God, but hey, two-hours of free childcare and some decent coffee would revolutionize any mom's week!

And how can I so easily breeze through my week without it?  Well, let's be even more honest.  Because truly worshiping the Creator isn't vital to my life.  I haven't oriented my lifestyle around His Presence.  I don't live in such a way where if I'm not intimately connected with the Creator, then my life will not only fall apart but simply come to a halt.  My daily choices and routine are not intertwined into a dependent cadence based upon Who He is and has planned for my day; instead, my routine acts as an independent framework where He is the mere fire escape, the refuge I run to if--and that's a very big IF--my own carefully-constructed agenda just happens to fall apart.

But God does not want to be my fire escape.  He wants to be my everything.

And so He faithfully began peeling back the layers to this major issue in my life by moving me away from home two months ago.

Being faithful church-goers (and we really do love the Body, for all my personal flaws and deficiencies when it comes to worship), one of our first tasks was to immediately embark on finding a new church home.  This was the first time I had ever had to look for a church; I have attended, when not traveling in the ministry, my home church since the age of 7 and loved it.  We never felt the need to change.

So we approached finding a new church in the usual pragmatic way of looking up different church names, reading a bit about them online, hearing the recommendations of trusted friends, and then choosing a handful that were within a ten-mile radius of our home.

Of course, first impressions are everything.  How did they greet us?  Were we acknowledged at all?  Did we feel safe dropping E off in the children's program?  Did it seem sufficient, caring, and organized?

Question after question, evaluation after evaluation.  But they all inevitably lead to the "big" question, the one that happens to matter a lot to me.

How was the music?

Of course, my favorite question to ask is, "Was I able to worship Christ today?"  This question of course presumes that if I was unable to do worship, then there is something wrong with the church.

Cross it off the list, dear.  I'm afraid it's a no-go.

This time, however, God's finger was heavy upon my heart.  But why?  Is it really so very wrong to prefer updated music selections?  Is it really wrong for me to want a band and not an organ?  To desire a blend of hymns and praise songs?

I wasn't sure why God was focusing on this so heavily, other than that my hesitations about a church's potential were steeped in petty criticism.  And, of course, they were.  But there was something more, something deeper at work within me that I could not even begin to imagine existed...because if I had known it was there, I would have been trembling.

During a quiet time one morning, one Sunday morning to be exact, I came across this quote by A.W. Tozer.  Read it slowly.  Let it sink in.  And if you're not struck to the very core of your being by it, then read it again.

What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us...Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God.  For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.

Whoa.

I knew my worship was pretty empty, but base?  Let me entertain you for a moment with the definition of that word:

base (adjective): lacking or indicating the lack of higher qualities of mind or spirit : ignoble b : lacking higher values : degrading

Lack of higher qualities.  Ignoble.  Degrading. Contrast those words with the powerful, glorious, pure, magnificent Creator God.  They shouldn't even appear in the same paragraph.  But somehow I casually bring low, ignoble, degrading worship to the Throne Room each Sunday morning and complain as if I've been deprived!

The real crux of all of this is the root of pure or base worship: whether or not the worshiper "entertains high or low thoughts of God."

It's not the publication date of the song I'm singing.

It's not the style of music.

It's not the out-of-tune violin.

It's not even the incredibly bored expression on the face of the person next to me.

If I'm not worshiping, if my worship is not an encounter with God, then it is solely because I am entertaining low thoughts of Him.  Pure and simple.  Because I think lowly of God, I dare to bring Him empty, meaningless, critical worship.

And that's really not worship at all.  It's an insult.

In my quiet time that morning, I was confronted with God Himself, in all of His Glory--well, in all that I can humanly conceive, which is precious little.  But to think that I would dare to entertain low thoughts of Him, One so beautiful, so faithful, so powerful, so creative, pure, loving, merciful, faithful, and true, One who brought only His Best to the table for me--low thoughts of such a One?  It's heartbreaking.

It's tragic.

It's ironic, in a God-clearly-ordained-this kind of irony, that I headed to church mere hours after this soul-crushing revelation.  It's also ironic, in a God-is-giving-me-an-opportunity-to-practice-this-truth kind of irony, that the worship songs selected for that Sunday morning were all written in the early 90s, songs and hymns I've sung since I was at least five years old.  Nothing groundbreaking, new, or original about them.

But it was the most amazing worship experience I think I've ever had.

There was no band.

No lights.

No emotionally-charged atmosphere.

Not even a chic PowerPoint displaying the words.  (I know, archaic, huh?)

But I cried.  Wept.  Worshiped with all my heart.  Because, instead of focusing on the songs, the players, or the singers, I asked the Spirit to help focus my wandering mind and heart vehemently on the incredible Personhood of God.

He was so beautiful to me, so worthy of my adoration in those few moments.  And for a minute, I finally understood that line I have so mindlessly sung many times before:

Awake, my soul and sing of Him Who died for Thee, and hail Him as thy matchless King through all eternity!

My soul has been asleep.  It has been sleeping while my mouth has been singing.  But no more.  It has been awakened to my matchless King Who died for me, who is deserving of only my highest thoughts, and thus, my highest worship.

May the Holy Spirit train every mind and soul to wake up, refocus, and set our hearts on the only thing that matters when we worship: God.

We love to argue about music style and instrumentation these days in Christian circles.  But now I can't help but think these issues are mere smokescreens for the larger, more cancerous problem plaguing our churches: we are more satisfied by a cool guitar riff than God Himself.  And the sooner we get honest about this, the sooner we can wake up to all that He is and all that He is actively doing around us.

So, wake up.  He has called us to life.  Let us not be found sleeping.

Friday's Frugal Find--The Manager's Special

For this week's experiment in frugality, I wanted to give a shout-out to something that probably most of us are aware exists but may not habitually check as a great source for deals.  I have been blown away by some of the deals I have nabbed recently through a wonderful little thing called "the manager's special."  I see it as my personal little surprise each time I shop, that unexpected token of pleasure and utter serendipity...sigh.

I'm in love.  Seriously.

I dream about the manager's special bin on my drive to the store, fantasizing about what it might contain this trip, and also secretly harboring what I hope to find inside.

It's Christmas, y'all, every single grocery trip.  If you're cruising by the manager's special bins in your fury to cross items off your list, you are missing Christmas, presents and all.

So to back up all the gush with cold, hard facts, here's why you should include a thorough browsing in every trip to the store:

Kroger
They have an actual bin, almost always located in the back along the meat/dairy section, usually right next to the double swinging doors leading to the warehouse area.  In some of their stores, I've seen shelves as well.  But you can't miss it once you've looked for it because all of the items are marked with bright, yellow stickers that read "Manager's Special."  Direct and to the point for the frazzled, shopping mommies with toddlers hanging off their carts everywhere.

There's also a "Manager's Special" space in the meat section, same lovely sticker and all.  I don't tend to find as great of deals in this section as I do the bin.  So be careful.  Definitely know your prices well--a pretty yellow sticker and the word "special," though they make your heart happy, do not automatically make something a good deal.

Nevertheless, to bait you to the bin, here are some of the amazing finds I've found there recently:

• Canned veggies, like diced tomatoes, organic refried beans, and other more-expensive canned products along those lines -->  $0.30 to $0.40 each
• Large bottles of salad dressing --> $0.79 each
• Enfamil, high grade formula -->$6.99
• Package of sliced almonds --> $0.79

These are just a few of the treasures I've unearthed.  Why are they so cheap, you ask?  No, they have not been ruined, expired, previously used, or steamrolled by a truck.  Most of the time there's either nothing wrong (too much inventory) or their only crime is being a bit dinted or dusty.  I take the poor things home and give them the TLC they need, all while keeping our budget low and frugal.  It's a win-win.

Target
Perhaps they're too sophisticated or perhaps they do not want their specials to sound handed down "from the top," but Target calls their Manager's Specials "clearances."  They opt for bright orange in their sticker choice, so again a no-miss situation here.  Their clearances are always end-caps, usually one per each section of their store (one for groceries, one for cosmetics/personal hygiene, one for home decor, etc.). 

A good rule of thumb for any store, and especially Target, is to "walk the perimeter" before doing any shopping.  It's on the outter edges that the best deals are hidden, like mini treasure troves reserved only for those willing to do a little digging.

I love the clearance end-cap for the grocery section at Target.  Again, you have to be careful and double-check prices against regular ones, but there are still some amazing deals to be found!  Here are just a few:

• Large bags of organic brown sugar --> $0.66 each
• Jumbo boxes of K-cups --> $21.99 for around 40 K-cups (that's a steal!)
• 64 oz. bottles of Welch's juice --> $1.49 each

Walmart
Walmart's prices are already so low that people often assume they don't mark down further--but they, too, have clearance end-caps for almost every section of their store.  And in some seasons, entire aisles will be dedicated to marked-down items.

My favorites lately have been the "Oops, We Baked Too Much!" shelves located near the dairy section.  Shelves of breads, pastries, and cakes are majorly reduced in price and are usually only a day old.  I've seen loaves of artisan bread for around or under $1.00.  Entire sheet cakes, donuts, cupcakes, and more are all marked under $5.00 routinely.  Definitely worth a gander.

----------------
As I said, most stores have these sections or bins or shelves.  I've just highlighted a few to give you a taste for what you've been missing.  I've always known they existed, but often didn't take the time to routinely check them.  And that's the key.  If you don't check them every time you shop, you will miss out on some of the greatest deals.

I've also been so blown away by how often something I'm really in need of and stressing about being able to afford ends up in those bins.  It's like God is reaching down and saying, "I'm here, too."  And I just love having a Father-child love moment with the Creator right in the middle of the grocery store.  Brown sugar never seemed so sweet until it came direct from His Hand.

Happy yellow-stickering :-)

And post what you find in response--I'd love to share in your own Christmas surprises!

Friday's Frugal Find--Things You Should Never Pay For

One of my most skeptical moments this past month, while researching ways to save money on my grocery bill, was when I came across a list of items that you should never pay full-price for.  Money-saving blogger after blogger insisted to me that items such as toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, razors/shaving cream, cereal, batteries, toilet paper/towels, feminine products and more are almost always at almost-free or FREE deals on a monthly basis.  You just have to be patient, faithfully clipping and collecting those coupons, while also scouring the sales ads to catch the "ripe" moment.

I seriously scoffed at this.

But, as you can read in my previous post, I was desperate.  And desperate means willing to try anything.  Even clipping coupons.

So I did.  And then God was so faithful to give me some instant gratification, as a motivator of-sorts, but also as a humbling lesson to not judge any method before actually trying it.

In only the second or third week of clipping coupons, my moment came.  An area store had marked down its Colgate toothpaste to $0.99 per tube--and I had a coupon for $0.50 off!  To make the deal even sweeter, this particular chain doubles all coupons up to $0.50 every day, making it $1.00 off instead.  And for those of you who are too brain-fried on a Friday to do the math, yes, that equals an entire tube of toothpaste for FREE.

I was so ecstatic I "bought" ten of them.

So, okay, maybe those neurotic couponers were right about the toothpaste thing.  But I was still a little skeptical on the other items on the list.

Until Lady Speedstick deodorant went on sale for $1.00...and I found myself with several $1.00 off coupons for that exact brand.  I nearly went into cardiac arrest.  It was only one week after my toothpaste spree and already another freebie?  My new-to-thriftiness system could barely handle it.  It was like overdosing.  No joke.  Not that I really know what that feels like, but I'm guessing the high of getting FREE stuff that we actually use on a daily basis is pretty darn close.

So now I'm a couponer, I guess--a bit apprehensive of the neurotic stigma I could incur but shameless in the results it achieves.  We have had a radical goal of keeping our grocery bill (which includes personal hygiene items such as toothpaste, deodorant, razors, etc.) to just $40 a week.  Such a low-ball number for something as precious as FOOD was difficult for me to stomach...literally.  But God is always faithful to surprise us with methods we once excused as "too extreme" or bizarre.

We not only have met this budget, but, praise God, have come under it.  And couponing is an integral part of our success.  I try to pray and ask God to open my eyes to the best deals that actually apply to our family, to help me be the best "home economist" that I can be through thrifty research, faithful clipping, and yet also knowing when to stop, breathe, and move on to the more important things.

Here are the basic, basic, basic tips I've gleaned from my one-month initiation into the world of couponing. This is by no means an exhaustive list, so I encourage you to research it out for yourself (and www.moneysavingmom.com is a brilliant site to start):

1. Get lots of them!  Coupons, that is.  There's nothing worse than coming across a great deal on something or, better yet, a freebie, and only having one coupon for it.  You want to maximize on good deals when they occur, so you need lots of the same coupon in order to "stock up."  Instead of buying out your neighborhood vendor of its Sunday papers, try asking friends, looking in recycling bins (this has been our huge success method!), or scanning places where people tend to read Sunday papers and then leave them lying around (asking first, of course, if it's ok to take them).  Also, be sure to check a store's coupon policy to see how many of the same coupon can be used in one transaction (most stores limit you to 4-5 identical coupons per transaction, which means you may have to go in a few times to get the full amount you want).
2. Stack, baby, stack!  "Stacking" is a term that refers to using two coupons on the same product.  Most stores allow you to "stack" a manufacturer coupon (sent out by the brand, such as the ones found in the Sunday paper) and a store coupon (sent out by the store, either online or in sales ads) against an item.  Thus, if this item goes on sale, you can add a double-whammy of savings!  Here's a quick example: Walgreens recently had Huggies diapers on sale for $9.49 a pack.  Already a decent price, but not stellar.  However, I had a manufacturer's coupon for $2 off along with a Walgreen's store coupon for $4 off, thus a combined total of $6 off!  This brought the price down to just $3.49 a pack, which was a huge bargain!  If you're confused about the difference between manufacturer's and store's coupons, the coupon always declares itself, usually at the top, by saying "Manufacturer's Coupon" or, if it's a store coupon, the name of the store.
3. Wait for the sale that rocks your world.  Getting a Sunday paper, clipping all the coupons, and then just going out and using them isn't going to save you a red cent.  Remember, these are brand name products, so at regular price, even with a coupon, you're almost always better off buying generic.  However, if you're patient, filing away your coupons dutifully each week, these products will go on major sale.  Then you can whip out your coupons to turn a decent deal into a mega event--one that will send you dancing down the check-out line :-)
4. Discover the Double.  This has been my favorite part of couponing: finding the stores that always double manufacturer's coupons.  Kroger doubles all coupons up to $0.50 every single day.  Kmart does the same up to a dollar!  Crazy, huh?  It's like that puny stick in your gladiator hand (refer to previous post if you're completely lost on that one) instantly morphs into a mace.  Awesome, empowering feeling!
5. Money Saving Mom It.  Seriously.  If you have not discovered MoneySavingMom.Com, then you are missing out on one of the EASIEST ways to save money, through couponing to budgeting, to freezer cooking and time management, income-earning, etc.  But even if you're just interested in couponing, go to www.moneysavingmom.com, sign up for email updates on your favorite stores, and every week, often many times a week, you will get an email telling you exactly where the best deals are and exactly what coupons to use to get them!  It really can't get any easier than that.  So do it.  Like right now.

So there's frugal find #1: coupons.  They are well worth the time and effort, trust me.  I try to see the time I put into clipping, organizing, and surfing through recycling bins as investing in our family so that we save more to give more.

Coupon, anyone?  I'd love to hear your finds and/or tips.  It's nice to meet other strung-out couponers who are still buzzed over that last stick of free deodorant or paying half-price or less for organic goods.  Yes, there are coupons for that, too!  Baited, yet?

Experiments in Frugality

So this post is a bit out of my usual pattern of topics, but this issue has become such a huge part of our lives right now that to neglect it on my blog feels almost dishonest.

Andrew and I have zero debt.  Except school loans.  Make that school loan.  Singular.  We have incredibly frugal and wise parents who have counseled us well.  We've bought nothing on credit.  And we've always kept to somewhat of a semblance of a budget.

And then there was med school.

That one, lone, single "investment" into Andrew's career was the equivalent of paying for a nice, full-sized home in cash.  We prayed when Andrew started med school that God would either supernaturally pay for it up front, at the end, or somehow provide the means for us to pay the inevitable school loans back in a timely manner--any of those options definitely equating to the miraculous in our minds.

Obviously, He didn't choose the up-front option--our preference, of course, but apparently not His :-)  So we lived as frugally as possible during med school, though we were hardly penny-pinching and miserable.  We're still holding out for option B, where some future hospital, job, or super-generous person decides to financially contribute to our debt fund, but that's obviously no guarantee.

So here we are in residency, not quite the "end of the road" where payments must be made, but where interest is accruing rapidly and we are left with the lingering question, "What can we do NOW?"

We set aside a solitary night to review our finances and talk dirty...meaning, set a budget that was both frugal and reasonable--i.e. it needed to work.  It was a rough evening.  Nothing fun about it.  We had to stare our debt in the face with all the grit of a gladiator determined to beat the beast with a twig.  Because that's about all our budget felt like to me: instead of a semi-automatic of moulah, we were left with a puny stick with which to slay the beast.

I felt overwhelmed and a bit hopeless.  Especially from the vantage point of a determined-to-stay-at-home-mom, how was I going to contribute to this monetary black hole?

And isn't that how God usually works?  He allows us to sweat it for a little while, to see the gaping need, to taste the bitter gall of desperation, before moving in to show His might.  We need to know how grim our circumstances are in order to fully appreciate and stand in awe of His glorious power.

After making our super-slim budget, with many numbers feeling highly restrictive and Spartan, we stepped forward in faith that it was possible.  A month ago.

And what a month it has been.

We've all heard that God equips those He calls.  But what about in "small" matters, such as how much you pay for groceries, or how far you can stretch the gas in your car?  Does the God who literally spoke the universe into existence actually bother with such mundanities?

Now I know that all of us who have grown up in church will probably spiritually yawn at these questions with the glazed-over, Sunday School response of "Yes, of course, God cares about everything."  But here's my question: how often do we actually live as if He cares?

How often have I, when writing out my grocery list, actually pondered, seriously considered, that God cares what goes on it?  That He cares how I'm directing His money for that week?  That He might actually wish to have a part in my decision between chicken or beef?

And it's not really about the chicken or the beef, is it?  God's always in the business of the heart.  And because of that, I think He's in the business of frugality.  Because frugal choices are the fruit of a heart attitude that admits God's Divine ownership of all things, including our finances, and because of that ownership, it actually matters what we do with our money.  Every. Last. Penny. is a Divine Decision.

But how does this pertain to "walking in the Spirit," the crux of this blog's existence?  It has everything to do with it.  Notice the verb in that phrase is "walk," which implies a step-by-step reliance on the Spirit.  That means every step we take should be in full-dependency on the Spirit's guidance and power.  Including each step in the grocery store, clothing outlet, and restaurant.

Talk about Divine Interference.

Nevertheless, God began bringing across my path a host of easy and often ingenious ways to save money in the areas where you can; and He granted me peace to trust Him to cover the areas over which we had no control (Andrew's salary, price of gas, insurance, etc.).

I never intended to go public with this part of our journey, but now I am convinced that there will be no greater motivator for me to stick to our plan than to have other eyes over my shoulder...and wallet.  So each Friday, I'm going to post a new "experiment in frugality" as a sort of outlet for me and as a way to hear from each of you, as I know there are scores of you out there phenomenally gifted in this area.  And quite frankly, I want your wisdom.

I absolutely guarantee you that nothing you read on my Friday posts will be new or groundbreaking to you.  I don't think I've come across much in my recent research into saving money that has been either of those things.  It's putting it into practice that's hard.  And that's what we've been challenging ourselves to actually do, in the Spirit's power and leading: begin living what we know is best.

Since this is my first Friday post on this topic, the next several posts will feature some of the frugal finds I've come across lately, as well as the some of the more helpful hints to saving money that we've discovered just this past month.

It is my prayer that in posting these things your, and my own, heart will be strengthened in the knowledge that God is in the little things, that He really does care to perform miracles that involve not only parting seas and opening prison gates but also the price of bread and milk and the little "splurges" that make life colorful.

It is my prayer that these Friday posts will point to Him in a new and refreshing way, like that sense of surprise when you find a friend in an unexpected place.  Because that's how this past month has been for me.  Full of the goosebumps and gasps of, "You're here, too?"

Lo, I am with you always.

Whiney Christianity

So, I admit it, I'm a bit of whiner.  If something goes differently from how I imagined it or, better yet, planned it to be, my default reaction is pure, unadulterated whine.

     This happened just the other day actually (and who am I kidding, it happens every day, but this particular instance is a better case-in-point) when we were offered a night to ourselves with FREE babysitting (a.k.a. grandparents were in town!).  Of course, all I have to hear is "night to ourselves" before my mind begins preemptive planning that includes hours out of the house, a quiet, un-rushed eating experience, purposeless window shopping, and maybe even a once-in-a-blue-moon detour into the cinema (gasp! was that ever a habitual part of life?).  My husband calls me overly enthusiastic; I call myself strategic.  Unpaid hours of babysitting must be fully capitalized upon.  I want to squeeze out every. last. minute.

     Needless to say, my euphoria over this unexpected blessing grew rapidly as each new idea sprung into my head, and I called my husband to include him in on this veritable second honeymoon.  When his enthusiasm barely registered on the Richter scale, I knew something was up.

     "Uhm, honey?"

     Uh-oh.

     "I know I'm usually off at 5, but they've scheduled an unexpected training session right after I'm done.  It'll probably be 7:15 or so before I can..."

    And he kept talking.  Something about needing to go to bed on time since it was a weeknight.  And something about fetal heart monitoring.  And something about being really sorry.  But I wasn't listening at this point.  I was inwardly wallowing.

     I know I've addressed my issue with wallowing in previous posts, so I won't bore you with vain repetition.  However, the wallowing was great and the disappointment even greater.  And, of course, being pregnant and the dramatic, feel-everything-to-its-extreme kind of person I am, I could not help but cry.

     Like an upset two-year-old I know.  Where does she get it??

     Anyway, my dear and loving husband felt horrendous, of course, but residency is residency (a.k.a. they have the right to your firstborn), so nothing could be done.  (And I'm only kidding about the residency thing.  Sort of.)

     Anyway, this particular wallowing session lasted for a good two days.  Every time I thought about it, especially what was to have been, I just got more and more upset.  The evening before our much-reduced-in-awesomeness date night, Andrew was trying his darn-hardest to still make it special (bless his heart), and I was doing my darn-hardest to be completely unmoved by any suggestion.  

    I knew I was having a bad attitude.  I knew it was ridiculous.   And petty.  And childish.  But that's the Flesh for you: it makes it so gratifying to give in...at least for the moment.

   Ok, so that was last night.  This morning, I get up early to have my time with the Lord.  Heh.  Didn't exactly go into it without knowing exactly what we were going to be dealing with.  And I could've laughed at the first words of Jesus Calling this morning: "Thankfulness opens the door to My Presence."  

     Wow.  I wasn't even getting a "hello" until I did the whole "give thanks in all circumstances thing."  I can't say I was immediately moved by the Spirit (remember the whole two-day wallowing thing?).  But then I read the corresponding Scripture and couldn't help but extend my reading to the entirety of Psalm 100.   And here's the verse that literally leapt from the page:

     "Know that the LORD Himself is God;

      It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;

      We are His people and the sheep of His pasture."  (v. 3)

     These would be the verses that precede the very popular "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise" (v. 4).  And then it became very clear to me.  God is, has always been, and always will be a God of relationship.  This is no performance command to give thanks in deed only.  We give thanks from an attitude of submission.

     We are ungrateful when we forget that the LORD is God.

     We whine when we forget that we are Made and not Makers.

     We wallow in self-pity when we forget that we are His people.  In His Kingdom.  Where He's in charge.

     See, David had to reconcile proper ownership before he could offer genuine thanksgiving that results in joy.  Likewise, when we attempt to control, God will inevitably allow our carefully-formulated plans to unravel--not to arbitrarily make us miserable (though it may feel that way at times), but to save us from ourselves and deliver us into the joy-filled, peace-enclosed pastures of His Presence and Person.

     And it is there, led by the still waters, guided by His own Hands, that we can genuinely "come before Him with joyful singing" (v. 2).

     I was so humbled this morning.  The fact that I'm a neurotic control-freak was no surprise, but the connection between my controlling nature and my view of God shocked me.  What low thoughts of Him my attempts to control reveal.  I had forgotten that He. Is. God.  God.

     What joy that such a One would call me "His people!"  As my Maker, He can have any date night He chooses.  And it's my part to trust that what He asks of me will only be returned in greater, more abundant measure.

    I don't think Psalm 100, or this post, could end in a more fitting way:

 

     "For the Lord is good;

      His lovingkindness is everlasting

      And His faithfulness to all generations."

(emphasis mine)

I Glory in the Stretch Marks

     Almost as soon as I became pregnant this go round (see previous posts for that unexpectedly trying journey), people began asking me if I was going to "eat differently" as a result.  This amused me, since I didn't realize I was "eating differently" to begin with.

     I suppose they were referring to what I have posted about twice regarding the new approach to food the Lord has graciously cultivated in me (see post just before this).  And these comments, which I've received a lot over the last seven-and-a-half months, show me that we, as a culture, are still fixated with diets and image--not that we need look much past the TV screen for generous proof of this.

     So to address the questions I've received, as well as compile a little "pregnancy treatise" for all my pregger friends out there, I wanted to put together a little post to reinforce not only healthy, non-dieting lifestyles, but also pregnancy in general.

****

     As most of you know, I lost 50 pounds a year-and-a-half ago by responding to the Spirit's prompting and becoming in tune with my body's cues for hunger and fullness.  I ate when I was hungry.  Whatever I wanted.  And then stopped when I was full.  Stopped.  Seriously.  Even if food was still on the plate.  Revolutionary and almost radical for a previously compulsive over-eater like me.

    This past January, exactly a year after beginning this incredibly freeing journey of walking in the Spirit and the fruit of His self-control, God miraculously granted the gift of life within me.  I could not have been more thrilled, and, until the first appointment, was practically euphoric.  So many months of waiting, riding the agonizing waves of anxiety and fear, now culminated in life.  Life.

    But it didn't take long after my first appointment, my first peek at a fluttering heart and tiny limbs, that my euphoria began to recede into my old foe--except this time he had morphed into a new fixation: fear of gaining weight.

     Now I'm going to be real honest with you here (and what else have you come to expect from me?), in my rational, sensible brain, I knew women are supposed to gain weight in pregnancy.  But after a year of losing weight gradually, I had unknowingly become a little attached to the weight bracket in which I had landed...and I was terrified to see the numbers return to the higher stratosphere.

     And being who I am, fear took hold in the form of a barrage of questions.  What if it doesn't come back off?  What if you fall back into over-eating?  What if pregnancy and breastfeeding somehow take over your body like some outside force acting against your will?  Looking back, I can see that hormones definitely played a role in these fears, but I truly believe most of them are the natural anxieties of anyone who loses weight and then finds themselves in a situation where weight gain is either probable or inevitable.  It's monumental to re-train one's mind to temporarily view weight gain as a good thing.

    Not just monumental.  Supernatural.

    I spent my whole first trimester weighing myself every single day.  Every. Day.  Ridiculous, I know, but I did it.  And I share this detail to show the extent of my fixation.  I was so scared to look pregnant.  

   And now that we're here, we may as well sit on this awhile.  I am so disturbed by our culture's bent to conceal or even avoid signs of inevitable life stages: puberty, pregnancy, age, illness, etc.  I feel women are especially victimized in this frenzy to stagnate our bodies in the svelte, fit, tidy package of a twenty-something, no matter how old, pregnant, or ill we become.  We attempt to plastinate perfection, to be living-yet-unchangeable beings.

    Just listen to the women who are praised on TV, magazines, and even in our own social circles: women who have had several children, keep an immaculate home, are successful employees, and also somehow manage to find time to volunteer...all in high heels.  And a size 4 pencil skirt.

    How does she do it?

    And while we secretly despise this woman, we also stand in wonder of her apparent immunity to wrinkles, stretch marks, and spider veins.

    And while I clearly disdain holding this impossible, and even undesirable, standard of perfection up for all women to attain, I was subconsciously falling into the never-aging, never-changing image trap just a few short months ago in my absolute terror to gain a pound, to gain an inch, to alter in any way for this new miracle.  This new life.

     I think it's time that we as women mutiny against this trend.  Motherhood is a life of great personal sacrifice, and it starts with pregnancy.  There are things that occur to our bodies during pregnancy that will never "go back" to how they were before.  But instead of celebrating the signs of pregnancy, we pine for the days when we weren't bloated, our pelvises weren't stretched to their limit, and our bellies didn't look like they'd been mauled by a tiger...otherwise known as stretch marks.

     We all respond differently to these undesirable changes--some of us find our inner-Olympian and work out to an insane level to make sure our weight gain is "all belly."  Others, who only run if they're being chased (like me), simply give up in despair, eating away their woes in sugar binges and salty sprees.

     But no matter how we respond, the root attitude is still the same: we are despising the natural processes of our God-knit bodies to grow and sustain life.  Life.  God-ordained life.  In the face of life, we should be awed into complete surrender of any personal pain, discomfort, or defect in order to be the sacred vessels of it.  I mean, is there anything much holier than the womb?  It's where our Savior was first rocked and nurtured, where many great world-changers were knit together, where the greatest miracle we experience, that science still ceases to fully comprehend, begins.

     And we despise it.  Both by giving into unhealthy eating and unhealthy dieting and exercise.  By hastening to lose all signs of it as soon as the baby is born.

     I so long that we become a culture that celebrates the pregnant and the mothers.  We may or may not be in the physical prime of our twenties, but our stretch marks, saggy bellies, expanded pelvic bones, and thicker thighs are the channel through which God works to raise up the next generation.  Isn't that worth a little sacrifice?

    And so that's where I found myself going into my second trimester.  At a crossroads of sorts.  Either I give in to my anxiety about weight gain, or I continue to eat and exercise in a healthy manner and leave the weight gain to God and pregnancy, trusting (because isn't the opposite of fear always trust?) that healthful habits will pay out in the end.

     I chose trust.  And kept eating the same way.  Except, because I was in the habit of listening to my body's cues, I noticed my appetite had definitely increased and I needed to eat with greater frequency.  We're talking every two hours people.  At least.  I'm eating something.  And now the Holy Spirit's role is not only to keep me controlled but to empower me to trust that eating this much is exactly what I need to do and not fear the possible results.

    And I have gained weight--and you know what?  After the first few weight gains, I felt a new peace washing over me.  Each pound is a sign of a developing life within me.  Each added number on the scale is one more assurance of a healthy, growing little girl who I pray--pray so diligently!--will grow up to embrace her body in a world that will seek to stagnate it.  I pray that she will "set [her] face like flint" and "know that [she] will not be put to shame" (Isaiah 50:7).

    The Apostle Paul, the man with his own "thorn in the flesh," said, "God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Galatians 6:14). Think about that.  He gloried in one of the most excruciating, gruesome, and terrifying experiences ever devised by mankind.  The Cross is a place of the most extreme personal sacrifice: death.  Death to self.  Death to the flesh.  Death to our selfish desires.  So instead of disdaining the stretch marks and weight gain, let's glory in them, knowing that, just like the Cross, they lead to miraculous life.  Life.

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    Let's be healthy.  If you're pregnant, move, eat, and take your prenatals.  Don't over-eat, but don't over-compensate with extreme exercise.  Let's stop pursuing futile paths and focus more on reasonable healthfulness and preparing to mother.  And the latter should take up far more of our pregnant days than hours at the gym.  Let's usher in this next generation secure in our bodies, secure in Christ, secure in the shadow of the Cross.