My Cup Overflows

I'm sure most of you have seen by now, but just in case you haven't, God has granted us the desire of our hearts with a precious, developing little baby.  He/she made their first cameo yesterday morning, much to our overwhelming joy:

The nursing staff kept asking us, "So, is this your first?"  We were just that excited--it felt like we were seeing an US image for the first time.  There is nothing like seeing a tiny, human form emerge from the grainy, indiscernible images of one's abdomen, a fluttering butterfly-like light coursing relief through your emotions: all is well.  There's a heartbeat.  Life is thriving within me.  Who am I to be such a vessel, Lord?

And who am I, indeed?  This girl who did not trust You, who railed against Your timing, who demanded, tried to control and manipulate her situation according to her own desires?  I have been thinking on this a lot in the past weeks...

The last negative pregnancy test I mentioned in my previous post, the one that nearly sent me over the edge into pure neurosis, and yet the one in which God led me to tremendous peace, was actually...false.  I can laugh now at it all, especially from a Cosmic perspective: God looking down on me, already knitting together this beautiful baby in my womb, and me, staring at yet another single line doubting His plan, His love, His favor.   And then it occurs to me that God allowed me to see the negative first...and to wholeheartedly believe in it...and yet still have peace, be whole, and be restful in the gift of His Presence with me.

But I was sick.  So sick.  So pregnant sick, though daring not to hope for that reason.  So I scheduled a doctor's visit, which they, in turn, ordered a pregnancy test.  I sat in the sterile, white exam room coaching myself with, "You already know you're not pregnant, and that's ok.  God is with you, He has a plan," while at the same time trying to suppress this wild, surging hope deep within me, that Hannah-hope that trusts God for the impossible, while praising Him in the serenity of deprivation.

The door opened.  The doctor, a family friend, came in,  lifted the flap of my file, and casually said, "Well, it looks like a faint positive!"  I promptly burst into tears.

Through all the joy, the relief, the utter bliss of the days that followed, one theme kept running through my mind that I feel is imperative to share with you all: God's Presence was enough.  He had allowed me to face my lowest moment, another stark negative, allowed me to feel and confront some of the deep-seated fears of my heart, and then gifted me, not with answers, but with Himself.  And though the desire was still strong within me for a child, His Favor on me was His Presence.

And here is my ultimate point: the reward was not pregnancy.  The reward was Himself.  The gift of life is unconditional.  Plenty of God-fearing women, full of His peace and Himself, are unable to bear children.  Alternatively, scores of women who do not seek God, do not trust Him, are blessed with many children.  This is a reality that I cannot explain beyond this: we do not seek Him to be rewarded with material blessings, with the achings of our hearts; we seek Him to be in relationship with Him, in deeper and deeper levels of intimacy.  This is what fulfills us.  That Psalm 27:4 all-encompassing desire that knows in knowing Him, we are filled to the fullest.  Peace is not a magic formula to pregnancy (or whatever else you desire); peace is His gift to us, a fruit of the Spirit within.

I see this new life as a new calling, a new leaf turned into a new chapter of new anxieties, fears, and perplexities.  If I saw this baby as a my reward, then I would go into this without God--yet again.  But if I see God as the reward, then I go into this chapter, not authoring it in the madness of my own control and wisdom, but resting in His lap as He reads each day's wonders and trials to me, holding my hand, empowering me with the strength to move forward.  As our relationship with Him deepens, the more we see Him as our Father, the quicker we crawl into His lap "just because," and not because we're driven there by pain and the brokenness of our own strength.

I so long to be there.  I so need to be there, especially with #2 on the way.  More grace will be needed, and I want His Presence to follow me and fill every page of this new chapter.  Because He is not only "enough"...my cup overflows.